Good-Bye

I wish I didn’t feel so alone
I wish I didn’t have to do this on my own
I’m tried of the games we play
So many things I’m afraid to say
I’m afraid of being hurt again
I’m afraid of losing you again
I’m afraid of the goodbye that’s coming
Though there’s no stopping it
I have to go
You have to stay
And there’s so much I cannot say
I wish you cared enough to listen
Though I know you never will
I’m just a girl that you passed by
A friend you had for a while
And while I wish we were more
Before I walk out that door
I need you to know
Everything aside
All our problems, all our lies
I know
We were never more than friends
But we will be friends until the end.

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For My Friends

When you know someone is just pretending to be your friend, sometimes you call them out on it and sometimes you let them keep pretending. Because you can ignore that small voice that tells you it’s not real, because sometimes you need that person to be there when they’re the only one you can talk to. Maybe you put too much faith in that person, too much trust, but they’re there. So when they finally stop pretending, it hurts all the same. There’s a hole there that you don’t quite know how to fill.

What’s worse though is when you didn’t know someone was pretending. When they’ve been there for you, had your back, seen you cry, and then suddenly they’re not. They just up and leave, and all you’re left with is questions and a gaping hole in your heart that all the tears you spill will not fill. No amount of tears and anger can change it, no way to get the answers you seek. You simply have to accept it, despite the pain.

I would say I keep losing friends, but I honestly can’t call them friends in the first place. Because friends don’t act like that, friends don’t pretend, they don’t put a price on your friendship, and they don’t use you over and over again. And as hurt as I feel, it makes me all that more grateful for the real friends I have, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I was lucky enough to spend Saturday night with some of the best of them, and it makes me feel better about those I “lost”. I love them more than just about anything else in this world, and they’re the reason I’m scared to go to Orlando next spring. I’m afraid to lose them.

I’ve been cooped up far too much this summer, and the clock is ticking towards the start of school. I want to spend every minute I can with you guys until we go back to our scheduled lives trying to balance school and a social life.

Disney Dreams List

For some reason today I was thinking of all the things I want to put on my bucket list, and I realize my list has a very distinct theme. So now I am making a Disney List instead, and my bucket list will remain separate. But I still hope to accomplish everything on both lists some day. The things on this list… Some I will accomplish in the next few months, some may take twenty or thirty years. And I hope my mom is around for as many of them as possible since Disney magic is just better with her.

  1. Drinking around the world at Epcot.
  2. Beast the Kitchen Sink at the Beach Club Resort.
  3. Learn to surf at Typhoon Lagoon.
  4. Complete my train pin set.
  5. Meet ALL of the Princes.
  6. Get my picture with Steamboat Willie.
  7. See World of Color while wearing a light up ear hat.
  8. Go to Disneyland Paris and Walt Disney Studios Park in France.
  9. Go to Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea in Japan.
  10. Go to Hong Kong Disneyland in Hong Kong.
  11. Go to Shanghai Disney in China.
  12. Sail on a Disney Cruise Ship and go to Castaway Cay.
  13. Go to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party.
  14. Take my brother to Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party. Because I want to be there when he meets Maleficinet.
  15. Eat at Cinderella’s Royal Table.
  16. Get married under the giant hat at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.
  17. Wedding reception at the Be Our Guest restaurant.
  18. Dine at Club 33.
  19. Go to the Fort Wilderness Campfire Singalongs.
  20. Run one of the Disney marathons or half marathons.
  21. See every film ever produced by Disney Studios. And by every I mean every feature and short film I can get my hands on dating back to Snow White and Steamboat Willie. But not Disney Channel or the direct to video nonsense like the Buddies movies.
  22. Become a Disney stockholder/shareholder.
  23. Be proposed to in a Disney manner. Not that I’ll turn it down if it’s not Disney but this is me we’re talking about.
  24. Attend the Magic Kingdom’s 50th Birthday Celebration.
  25. Go down Mount Gushmore at Blizzard Beach.
  26. Stay a night in the DisneyDream Suite or the castle suite.
  27. Live in Celebration.
  28. Be a Jungle Cruise Ship Captain.

And there are so many more things that will get added to this list over time but I feel like this is a good start.

Empty Promises

Words fill the air and fall forgotten
Intention and meaning lost
As memory fades
And friendships change
So many things you told me
Secrets we shared
Trust in one another
Forgotten, lost, gone
And I have to wonder:
Was it ever really there?

Promises you made
With the best intent
Things you said to me
Feelings you professed
Questions you asked
And answers I gave
The words fell silent in the empty air
Left to fall, useless on their own
And I have to ask:
Did you mean them?

I thought
We were friends
I thought
We were more
Best friends, forever,
What you said
Was what I believed
I never lied,
You never told the truth.

Friendship

I haven’t had time or energy to write in a while, but there’s been a lot on mind. Now that summer is officially here, I hope to have time to catch up on some things. This particular thing has been weighing on me a lot.

Friendship is a curious thing, and I think there’s more to it than I ever considered. My mom’s always been annoyed I had more than one best friend and I’ve finally realized why I did that. The English language doesn’t have enough distinctions for levels of friendship. Everyone on Facebook is considered your friend, but I have plenty of people on there who I wouldn’t call friends. They are people I happen to know and have nothing against, or are business contacts. And an acquaintance would seem too casual for someone you’ve known for years. But I have realized lately that just because someone was once your best friend, does not mean they retain that title now or that they are even a friend at all anymore.

Friendship has nothing to do with how you get along, or what you have in common, though that does play a role in if you want to spend time with that person. Friendship is much more than that. It’s about loyalty, support, having each other’s back and being there when you’re needed. We all have our own stuff going on, but a true friend is there when you need them. And to the flip side of that, a true friend understands why sometimes you can’t be there because they care about you too. Someone who lies to you and lets you down again and again, always saying it’s not their fault is not a friend. It’s not that a friend never lets you down, but they accept when they do and they try to make up for it, and own their mistake. Not pretend it never happened. They know what you like, love, and just can’t stand. They know when you’re in that mood that nothing is going to change but time, and they know when you just need to have someone to talk to. They’re the number you call when you’re in trouble. They don’t blow you off unless it’s important, and they do their best to help you with what they can. And they are the people who you have the best time with, no matter what you’re doing.

It can be a hard thing to realize that people you love are not your friends, even if they care about you too. It is something I’ve come to accept this semester as I’ve dealt with the ups and downs and chaos. You have to take the bad with the good, but you have to see when there is no good left. I have realized I have some very awesome friends in my life, and some people who don’t really need to be in my life at all anymore. I have realized I have groups of friends that don’t necessarily need to mix. And I have realized the ones that know I’m crazy and keep coming back anyway are the ones I can count on. They are the ones who remind me of what all I can do when I’m down on myself, and I try to tell them how wonderful I think they are.

I am very lucky. My group of real friends may be smaller than I realized, but they are incredible and I love every one of them. I won’t name them by name but I think they know who they are. I have the girls, I’ve got my guys, I have my best friend and I am oh so lucky to have my brother. Thank you all, for keeping me sane and giving me some awesome memories.

Decisions, Decisions

I haven’t been writing much lately because I haven’t had time. Yay finals. And I should be working on the Avengers right now but something interesting has come up and I need input. People say when one door closes, another one opens. The only problem I’m having is which door am I supposed to take?

I have been teaching Zumba(R) on Monday and Wednesday nights since November. I added Tuesdays in March. Last week was the first Wednesday I have had off since December so I went swing dancing. And had to tell several people I couldn’t come back because of Zumba(R), and I had to tell other people this weekend I can’t play in the Ultimate League this summer for the same reason. And then tonight my boss told me I’m not teaching on Wednesdays anymore. So it looks like I’m open on Wednesdays now. I just can’t figure out what to do with it. My options are:

  • Go to swing dancing on a regular basis so I can get good at it. Pros: I would like to be good at it. Cons: I am easily frustrated and it seems to be the one time I’m shy.
  • Join the ultimate frisbee summer league. Pros: I like frisbee more than just about anything. Cons: I don’t like all the rules and regulation.
  • Try to get another Zumba(R) class. Pros: More money. Cons: I love the idea of going back to teaching two nights a week.
  • Put it down as availability at Battlefield Knoxville. Pros: Might help me get the job. Cons: I might not get the job anyway, and I like the idea of having a night off.
  • Actually have a night off a week to do stuff. Pros: I suppose with this answer I could go to swing sometimes, and go watch the games. Cons: I can’t play if I do this, and I probably wouldn’t get much better at swing.

Advice and input anyone?

Things I Might Have Missed

Today marks six years since the accident that flipped my world upside down, and I have to wonder who I might have been had it not happened. Back then, all I was was an athlete. Soccer was the only thing I really cared about. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t play any more and I was devastated, confused and spent a lot of time hating how unfair life was.

But I’m not a teenager anymore, and I see all the good things that came out of it. That accident changed my life permanently, and while I may not know what would have happened if I never hit that hurdle, there’s a lot of things I doubt would have happened if I hadn’t.

If I had kept doing sports after school, I would have been riding the bus less and while we already knew each other when the accident happened, Robby became my best friend and later brother because of that bus. And I don’t want to imagine what my life would be like without him.

I never would have played Ultimate Frisbee with the guys at Karns, so I never would have started the Pellissippi Ultimate Frisbee Club. Without the club, I never would have met Haden, Chris, Krissy, Spencer or so many other people. Without meeting Haden, I never would have gone to West Park and I wouldn’t know Joseph and Jacob. I wouldn’t have Krissy supporting me in all my crazy endeavors. And if I’m not a better frisbee player than I was a soccer player, I’m pretty darn close. And on the frisbee field, I get a lot more respect… most of the time.

Without the accident, I would have had the second surgery which is pretty much what led to me making friends in college. It was how I met Daniel, Nate, and Rory, and how we then started “I’d Like to Buy a Vowel Productions”. I know I wanted to enter that festival anyway, but I doubt I would have had the same team, and I doubt that team would have carried on into “A Hard Sell” and “The Fudler Institute”.

I’m sure I would have at least tried to make the Appamobile regardless, but knowing Daniel and having his help sure made the process a whole lot easier.

The only reason I got a RUSH membership in the first place was for physical therapy, and so when Robby and I wanted to join a gym, I knew that was where we should go. And if we hadn’t been working out there that summer before college, I never would have checked the group class schedule to see Zumba®/Hip Hop listed. I was trying to take the Hip Hop class and showed up on the wrong night, but that was okay, because I loved it. And I took hip hop with Jhasta and I decided I had to keep going back. Then they stopped offering hip hop and it was Zumba® every week with Jhasta, and I was hooked. Then I got mom hooked too, and we kept taking classes. Then at school last year, I walked in on a demonstration and wound up teaching. The instructor asked me if I was an instructor and she told me I should be, and then Jhasta said the same thing a few months later. And here I am, teaching five classes a week.

Honestly, the only things I really feel like I missed out on are the things I still can’t do: hiking, bowling and putt putt. I think I can live without those just fine.

Someone Loves You

“Whether you’re gay, straight, purple, orange, dinosaur; I don’t care.” -Darren Criss

I tend to try to keep my opinions to myself on sensitive matters, especially online because I feel like you’re just opening yourself up to abuse and it’s not professional, that people may not wish to do business with you because of it. But after the events of this week, and these writings landing in my lap, I realize I have been a coward. At the very least, just this once, I need to speak in case there is someone out there my voice can reach. And if you happen to click on this, I ask you to please at least read this to the end, and click on the other articles I list. You might disagree, you might be outraged, but you also might learn something.

Anyone who knows me beyond my name and face knows who my friends are. I have the absolute best friends in the world, and a lot of the people closest to me happen to be gay. It’s never made a bit of difference to me. Most of them I knew before they came out and they were great friends then, they’re great friends now. And earlier this week I had the conversation I had been so desperately seeking to avoid with someone else I care about a great deal that left me hurt and upset over this issue, and I just wanted to put it behind me and forget we ever argued. But today, my class was discussing this same issue and my teacher showed us an article and its rebuttal that brought me to tears. I feel this cannot be a coincidence, and that right now I need to speak out for those who can’t because of fear, because of hate, and because of ignorance. I am probably opening myself to a lot of backlash, but right now I don’t care. This is too important.

I’m A Christian Unless You’re Gay A blog that is not about religion, or homosexuality, but love and acceptance.

A Teen’s Brave Response A mom’s eye-opening response to the above blog, and an incredible story. Ma’am, whoever you are, I applaud you.

What I am writing tonight however, is about acceptance, and about all of these things.

Being gay is not a choice. Lady Gaga, as much as I hate to quote her, said it best, “Baby, you were born this way.” When people say that being gay is a choice, I honestly wonder if they have thought through what they are saying. Why would someone choose a life style that is harder, more dangerous, and post an open invitation to the world for them to be hated and abused? Why would anyone choose to be ridiculed, judged and insulted? To risk having their family, friends and neighbors reject them? To ask them to change is the same as asking you to stop being who you are.

We in Tennessee have someone trying to push a bill that would outlaw the use of the word “gay” in public schools, preventing anyone with questions from seeking help or even being educated on the matters at hand. No, much better that these teens brood in silence and misery, wishing they were dead, that they might take their own lives rather than force their homosexuality upon us.

When I was sixteen, the first of my friends came out, after telling my mother, I asked what her reaction would be if she got similar news from me. “I wouldn’t want that for you because it’s a hard life, but I’d love you all the same.” The mom in the article had her son hiding in the closet because he was afraid of how she might react, that that hate might turn upon him. For those of you who condemn this “life style”, I now ask you: what would your reaction be? If it was your class mate, your neighbor, your friend, your son? Would you turn your backs on them? Ignore everything that had ever been even though nothing has changed? Because they were always gay, you just didn’t know it yet. They’re the same person, and they would love you just the same.

The world needs to change. We can’t keep going down this path of fear and hatred of those who are different. Whether they are gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, black, white, rich or poor. I have sat in silence too long, and not stood up for those who might a helping hand. To those of you are afraid, know that someone loves you. It doesn’t matter who or what you are. Someone loves you. To those of you who are outraged by what I say, it’s okay.

Someone loves you, too.

Progress Has Been Made!

I have a bed, I have a bed, I HAVE A BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell I spent three nights sleeping on the couch? In the midst of the cleaning frenzy of the century, my dad finally had time to paint my room. Robby came over to help and the three of us continued the sanding process until Dad thought it was ready to paint. We started the first coat and realized you could still see the color splashes on the wall. I left for work, and apparently somehow a German Shepard-Wolf Hybrid managed to attack Comet, and Clyde raced in to defend him. Then my dad put the second coat of paint up, and it still didn’t help. My mom then investigated into the problem after Dad’s claims it could take another two coats of paint. It turns out the spray paint we used for the color splashes is oil based, and since the wall paint is water based, all the coats in the world would not do us any good. So mom bought primer and on Friday, Jered and my dad painted over the previous two coats and started from scratch. I came home Friday night (after chasing the problem child dog around Middlebrook Pike…) to find the color splashes gone and the walls drying. Dad said it needed another coat on Saturday and he handled that while I took Clyde to the vet for his ear bite from said German Shepard-Wolf Hybrid. I am not very happy with its owner at the moment. Then I took my grandmother out to lunch and we went to pick up my new mattress, that she was wonderful enough to get me. We had to lash it to the top of Clifford, mom’s mini van, and drive him home in the rain. Lots of fun. Then I got to haul the pieces to my new bed around the house to get them upstairs, except I managed to bang the headboard when a door closed on me and the main piece was too heavy for dad and I to lift. So off to Pellicon to present.

After I got back, mom and I managed to carry the piece out of the basement so that my friend and I could carry it upstairs. We got it to my room and went to assemble the silly thing, only to realize that there are pieces missing. Mom went hunting for them, seeing as they are essential in that they hold up the headboard, with no luck. So we gave up on the bed because we weren’t sure it would be stable on its own. And I spent another night on the couch before presenting at Pellicon a second time. I arrived home to find the bed assembled without the headboard, turns out it was completely safe. Whoops.

I put the new sheets and comforter on the bed, and dad rehooked my computer up while I took Comet to frisbee. Then I came home and pretty much just flopped down, and did not want to move for the rest of the night. Which is sad because I still have lots of unpacking to do, mostly because I haven’t started yet. But I have a new bed, and a 40 inch HD television and life is glorious. But my room is far from complete:

  • My wonderful 40″ TV doesn’t work yet because I haven’t figured out how to reprogram the U-verse remote. It also needs a mounting bracket so it can get out of my closet and go live on the wall over my computer where it’s supposed to be.
  • I still have lots of picture frames to buy. I have Disney artwork, posters and such that need to be put on display properly at last. I have a whole list of the correct sizes, I just need to wait until I have a good coupon and room in my budget. Hopefully this will be very soon.
  • My new vanity is still downstairs, it needs to be brought up and put where it goes so I have a place to do my make-up. Once I figure out which box that’s hiding in.
  • My stuffed animals are all still in the attic. I need to figure out who gets to come down and get a hammock for them.
  • I need to repaint my shelves black and figure out exactly where they are going to go, so I have places to put my Disney collectibles.
  • I need a red valance for the window.
  • New outlet covers since they are now covered in paint, and a light switch cover because the old one’s not big enough since we didn’t paint up close enough.
  • I still need a nightstand, or something of that nature. I have only two drawers on my wonderful bookcase bed.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but it’s a process. And these are what I need to take care of next. Now I’m gonna go sleep in my amazing new bed.

Conquering Caffeine

I have decided it is time to kick the caffeine addiction once and for all. This does not, however, mean I am giving up soda. This morning I got my usual Pepsi and realized I didn’t actually feel like drinking it, but knew I was going to end up with a killer headache otherwise. I have debated giving up soda in the past but decided against it because it’s something simple that makes me happy, and depriving myself of it doesn’t make sense. But after this morning I have decided: I want to drink Pepsi when I want it, not because my body needs it. So I will be giving it up for the next several weeks, or however long it takes me to get it out of my system. But after that, if I want to have one at the movies or out to dinner, it’s fine. As long as it’s occasional and stops being an everyday thing.

Just forgive me if I get cranky while I’m going through withdrawals…